Sunday, August 3, 2008

Monsters and Mondays

I've always been fascinated by 'other worldly' things. When I was a kid I had a treasured book on the occult that I would leaf through until it was bedtime, at which time I would have to hide the book, as its cover was a bloody-eyed skull. Years ago, I pressed PAUSE on the VCR during the film Witchboard - not for the Tawny Kitaen naked-in-the-shower scene, but for a great shot of the ouija board. So I could draw my own (they didn't sell them in Africa).

I made my own talismans on velum and carried them in a small handmade (by me) leather pouch. And when my mother flushed my dead and dying seamonkeys down the loo, I secretly hoped they would morph into giant, disfigured sewer-dwelling hybrids. (Like the Prius: cheap at the pump, but hideous to look at)

So it was with relish that I learned in a news report of the Montauk Monster. A hideous, hairless dog-like thing with a beak that washed ashore some days ago. They didn't say where Montauk was. Apparently Montauk is as American as Mickey Mouse. Well I've lived here for over 4 years and have never heard of Montauk. It sounds like a TV show; Montauk with Larry King. Sorry. It does. Just a hint to you Fox news writers - if you don't identify the region Montauk is in and your only soundbite is from an Australian surfer, some people (ie: me) might draw the conclusion that Montauk is in AUSTRALIA.

Further investigation proved that Montauk is, in fact, in Long Island, New York. Wonderful. I'll be sure to visit. The annoying thing about this story (apart from Montauk, the mere sound of which is becoming irritating) is twofold - firstly, only one eyewitness could be tracked down. Plenty of "experts" but only one eyewitness. What happened to the other surfers? Were they eaten? And secondly, why is there only one measly shot of the creature? Geez, there are more photos of Big Foot! It's obviously fake. If I saw a strange creature in front of me, I'd keep pressing the button until the camera was full. And that's if the thing was charging after me. This thing was lying very still because IT WAS DEAD!!! And there's only one photo of it?

More realistic by far was when a crazed warthog attacked me and I had to fend it off with a steak knife (not the best tool for the job). I had to stab and slash its stomach and head repeatedly, before I managed to free my left hand. Sure it was a dream, but it was more scary and convincing than (gag) the Montauk Monster. More scary still is the fact the weekend is nearly over and something even more terrifying awaits.



  1. Hm, I must not be a very good American. This is the first time I've heard of a Montauk. (Time to consult my friend, Google.)

  2. I thought Montauk was in... Canada...

  3. I've actually been to Montauk. Furthermost end of Long Island. Has a fabulous lighthouse.

  4. This is what happens when you photoshop a cooked chicken! That's why there's only one "picture." By the way, who is performing the autopsy?