Why We Suck

After my ongoing theme of doppelgangers, how better to round things up than with a face-to-face with Denis Leary (aka Doppelganger #1). I saw that the man had a signing for his new book, Why We Suck, not far from me. The only challenge was getting there. I had to take my Dad to the airport after a splendid little stay with me - and could hardly let family take a taxi in order for me to spend 30 seconds with someone who looks a little like me. That's just weird. Oh yeah - and heartless.

So I took Dad to the airport, saw him through check-in and waved him off towards an invigorating cavity search (or whatever LAX security has in store these days) and only then raced off to the signing. Luck was on my side, traffic was thin and I arrived with time to buy a copy and rush upstairs to stand in line. Phew.

I had visions of Denis seeing me and going "Jesus, it's like staring into a mirror! I simply MUST put you in an episode of Rescue Me as my long lost, shorter, younger brother! Please tell me you're an actor - you ARE an actor, right? Wait, who's your agent...?"

In reality, it was more like "And this is to you?" He gestures to the book. I confirm it is, indeed, for me. I manage to cough up, in a thin whispery voice (what the hell?!) that not a day goes by I don't get told I look like him. "Ah," he says. (clearly he doesn't see the resemblance) "Well there's a picture in the book of me and Willem Dafoe". I laugh. The nice lady takes my picture and I leave, grinning like a child.

Good to meet the man. Seems like a nice guy. I am sure the book is not. Nice. With a cover blurb that runs "A feel good guide to staying fat, loud, lazy and stupid" you know he's not gonna pull any punches. It looks like a good bitch about people who bitch about things and blame others when they really need to stfu and change themselves. Just my cup of tea!

So what if I don't have a recurring role on the new season of Rescue Me. I got my face-to-face and that's what counts. I do feel a little bad that I had no time to explain that I was a little clammy cos I'd rushed like a loon from the airport, the warddrobe synchronicity was purely coincidence and I don't normally wear blue eyeshadow and eyeliner - that was from today's audition for the part of a washed-up Eighties rocker.

So what.

I'm sure, deep down, Denis knew I was a fellow thesp, deeply immersed in the craft, too committed to waste time with superficial things like mid-day cleansing, when there was an actor to support.

Nah.

Denis Leary thinks I'm just another creepy sweaty guy who wears makeup and stands too close.

Ugh.

Down With an Abscess

That's what the very tanned backpacker said to her friend as I passed by. I assume she meant a fellow traveller, laid low from incessant walking and sporadic bathing. I was only feet away, when she followed up with "that looks like Denis Leary!"

It's not the first time I've heard that. And no - I don't mean the abscess bit. Yes, I bear a resemblance to actor Denis Leary. That's the one I get more often than not. Once in a while I get a "Willem Dafoe" and so, it would appear, does Denis Leary. I recently caught an episode of Rescue Me, in which Denis' character is offended to be told he looks like Willem Dafoe. Hahaha.

Maybe there's a project for all 3 of us. Where we're long lost siblings or different versions of the same man in different dimensions. Or genetically engineered clones. Or maybe not.

When I first arrived in LA, I ordered a coffee. Here follows the exchange:

Barista Guy (after a long beat): Are you him?

Gideon (after an equally long beat): I'm sorry. What?

Barista Guy: Are you HIM?

(Gideon smiles and shakes his head, getting uncomfortable)

Barista Guy: Are you.... Brian Adams?

Yup, that's what he said. I was a little taken aback. Don't get me wrong, Bryan's a talented guy. But he's pushing fifty. I'm not. Just yet. Lemme enjoy my thirties a little bit! It's as bad as my half brother, Matthew, who wished me a happy 46th birthday this year. And he wasn't kidding. Geez! Thanks for stealing a decade, pal. And that's family!

But if anyone knows Denis or Willem, feel free to tell them their doppelganger's waiting in the wings.