Monday, November 28, 2005

Bad Nuts

There's nothing like the local LA news broadcasts to make you feel like the last sane person on the planet. Tonight's teaser promised "a teenager dies after kissing her boyfriend. Find out about the deadly kiss at 5." Great. Today I'm gonna learn why kissing is lethal AND I have to wait another 40 minutes until they tell me. If it's THAT deadly, don't you have a moral duty to tell the public IMMEDIATELY?! But that's how news is promoted in movie town - with hyped up trailers. Victims of violence, greed and, oftentimes, stupidity, are merely characters in the daily blockbuster, fondly called the CBS 2 News.

Incredibly, the deadly kissing victim died due to a severe allergic reaction to the peanut protein. Her boyfriend had consumed peanut butter prior to kissing her. How long prior, you may ask? 3 days! Yes, peanut pieces (however small) supposedly remained in or on this guy's mouth for 72 hours. This begs 2 questions. One: doesn't the guy have a toothbrush? And two: (more likely I suggest) maybe he did it deliberately. I don't believe you're gonna keep peanuts in your cheeks for 3 days, no matter how poor your oral hygiene. I mean, he had to know about her condition, right? Maybe he had simply had enough and wanted to get a reaction out of her. Just not THAT kind of reaction.

Fortunately there was a light at the end of this crazy bulletin. Cheery-faced Anne Martin told the world (or a few thousand folks, anyway) that "they" have completed a study of romance and the results are in. Romance lasts for "about a year". Good to know. A protein (note the running theme) called Nerve Growth Factor surges in the start of a relationship but then drops back after a year to "pre-infatuation levels". Depressing news, I'd say. Not for Anne. She closed her Health Beat insert by informing us that this was "probably a good thing - I don't think anyone would want to live with that kind of excitement".

Well, I'm happy for Anne if she's happy living in a soundproof, protective bubble, but don't tell me that's what I should be doing. I can see people now, telling themselves that there's way too much excitement in their lives and they need to cut down on that weekly walk in the park. Heck- why risk getting out of bed - you might raise your pulse! As Anne looks for ways to calm herself and lower her heart rate to comatose levels, I'll be looking for all the excitement I can find, thank you very much. I'm throwing a party every night this week. And you won't be getting an invite.

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