Beards and Beds

I have only one of each. But that's clearly one too many.

After waking up with a stiff back for months, I finally decided I should visit the chiropractor. I did consider a trip in June, but the thought of spending hundreds of $$$ put paid to that idea. More accurately, it was put to bed. My bed. My fancy 8-month old pillow-top bed. I had a suspicion that it was too soft and now it's confirmed. For the best part of a year I've been buggering up my back. Fabulous. I have to buy a new mattress. I suppose I could have replaced the mattress myself, avoided the chiro and saved myself 50%.

On a lighter note (that damn mattress takes 2 to tango), I am still with beard. I realize "with beard" is not quite the same as "with child", but it has a couple of similarities. Firstly, everyone can see it and secondly, everyone feels compelled to say something.

"Ooh, you need a shave" (yup)
"What's that for?" (my face? christmas? your mom?)
"Beards are stupid" (yes, i suppose they are)

The hair is for the movie I just wrapped, of course and I'm waiting for clearance. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep it looking neat, but it's still a little scraggly. I'm just not a hairy kinda guy. I'm also compelled to toy with the damn thing. I catch myself stroking it like a little puppy. Once in a while I even feed it. (Though not intentionally) A friend said I looked like a mountain man when he saw me. Thing is, I don't have any mountain man gear. No flannel shirt. No dungarees. No axe.

My beard isn't even a decent disguise. Only yesterday, a woman said I looked like Denis Leary. I've never seen Denis with a beard, but I guess if he had one, he'd look like me. On the upside, she did day I was better looking. Take that, Mr Leary.

Well, I'd better be off. Have an audition to prep - crazy guy who thinks he's turning into a monster. And after that, it's a choice between Neil from Leeds Mattress and "you're killing me, Larry". I might go for Neil. Larry seems like a violent guy. I could probably take him, but what with the cumbersome beard and bad back...

The Terrible Twins

They were smart and snappy.

They rode a shiny bike.

They rode it together.

They rode it with pride.

Were they twins?

Who can say?

Were they terrible?

We'll never know.

All we can say is that they were black and white and sitting 'real close'.

Keep Smiling Just Don't Let Me Catch You

I like order. Without order, there is chaos. I firmly believe that. It doesn't mean I enjoy setting rules and forcing others to abide by them. (Though I can't abide those that don't) I simply feel - no, KNOW, that my life runs smoother when I have an ordered system in place. Call me anal. You won't be the first.

So I had a good chuckle last week, when faced with this sign: Stop. (Just don't stop.) Ridiculous. You'd think someone would realize the absurdity of a sign telling you to do something that is clearly in direct conflict with another. It's like those wonderful (no) parking signs around LA, which prohibit parking during certain times without a permit. Then there's another sign which limits your stay during the times you don't need a permit. And yet another another sign which prevents you from parking at ANY time.

Now I understand that the Traffic Department can change it's mind. What I can't understand is why Joe Maintenance Man leaves all the previous signs up, when he posts the new one that makes them all redundant!

Speaking of rule compliance, why is it that the police (and traffic police) don't have to abide by the very rules they enforce? This week I watched a patrol car narrowly avoid running over a cyclist, because the officer was pulling forward and attempting to make a right turn from the left lane AND while the light was red. No siren, no flashing lights. Just one nearly dead cyclist.

Regularly I see cop cars parked at expired meters outside coffee shops, while parking police park in the red or (my pet peeve), turn randomly without signalling. I want to print my own traffic tickets and issue them to cops. That'll teach them. Naturally, I'll be on my bike in order to make a swift and sneaky getaway.

Unless I get run down by a cop, of course.

Dogs And Cats Living Together

I've been wondering how the credit crunch is going to affect things on the ground. I'm not retiring anytime soon and I'd be lying if I said I had big investments to worry about. So, what changes can I expect in my life?

Well, if the State Treasurer is to be believed, a great many. Apparently, in addition to being $1b in debt for the first quarter of this fiscal year, California will run out of cash on the 29th. That's right. In less than 3 weeks, the State will lose the ability to pay its bills. As I understand it, that means all State-run agencies will cease to function, either immediately or within weeks. No public transport (like there is any), no trash removal, no cops, no nurses, no water, no electricity, no traffic lights, no elevators. As Bill Murray put it in Ghostbusters: "dogs and cats living together".

On the upside, there won't be any parking cops, either. That means I can park anywhere and ignore the meter. Woohoo! Who cares if I can't bathe and have to climb 8 flights to see my agent? I can park in the loading zone all day and no-one can stop me.

Sure, there'll be gunfights in the street, robberies on horseback, Rodeo Drive will burn and I'll be knee deep in sewage. But I'll be happy. Like Cool Hand Luke, I'll be smiling...

The Real Doppelganger

After a couple of close calls, I'm happy to report I booked a role on the new Matt Dillon feature, Bone Deep and was glad to see they managed to book Reuben Langdon as my stunt double. Reuben doubled me on 24 and it's clear (clearly scary?) we could have been separated at birth.

Aside from being a stuntman and video game developer, Reuben's a talented actor/martial artist/voice artist in his own right. In fact, I'm trying desperately not to mess up, as they could easily have Reuben replace me altogether!

So long story short, I am working and I have another double to add to my growing collection. Which means that (ahem) "project in development" is now about 4 brothers, not 3. Must sign off now, as I need to call Willem and Denis before the end of the day.

New York's 3hrs ahead, you know...

Down With an Abscess

That's what the very tanned backpacker said to her friend as I passed by. I assume she meant a fellow traveller, laid low from incessant walking and sporadic bathing. I was only feet away, when she followed up with "that looks like Denis Leary!"

It's not the first time I've heard that. And no - I don't mean the abscess bit. Yes, I bear a resemblance to actor Denis Leary. That's the one I get more often than not. Once in a while I get a "Willem Dafoe" and so, it would appear, does Denis Leary. I recently caught an episode of Rescue Me, in which Denis' character is offended to be told he looks like Willem Dafoe. Hahaha.

Maybe there's a project for all 3 of us. Where we're long lost siblings or different versions of the same man in different dimensions. Or genetically engineered clones. Or maybe not.

When I first arrived in LA, I ordered a coffee. Here follows the exchange:

Barista Guy (after a long beat): Are you him?

Gideon (after an equally long beat): I'm sorry. What?

Barista Guy: Are you HIM?

(Gideon smiles and shakes his head, getting uncomfortable)

Barista Guy: Are you.... Brian Adams?

Yup, that's what he said. I was a little taken aback. Don't get me wrong, Bryan's a talented guy. But he's pushing fifty. I'm not. Just yet. Lemme enjoy my thirties a little bit! It's as bad as my half brother, Matthew, who wished me a happy 46th birthday this year. And he wasn't kidding. Geez! Thanks for stealing a decade, pal. And that's family!

But if anyone knows Denis or Willem, feel free to tell them their doppelganger's waiting in the wings.

All Aboard as Train gets a Premiere!

Horror movie Train finally pulls into the station - the Graumann's Mann Chinese station, that is. Next month on October 16th, the blood will be spilled at ScreamfestLA, which, as you might correctly guess, is not a festival of romantic comedies.

In Train, a college wrestling team travelling abroad unwittingly boards the wrong train. A train that will take them any destination but safely home. I play the role of Willy, who within minutes, wishes he'd stayed on the platform. I have to admit that I was quite appalled by some of the gore while we were shooting. Yes, I knew I was making a horror and I had read the script. But the extent and graphic nature of the violence seemed unprecedented. If Hostel stepped over the line, then Train plows right through it.

It's a premiere, but no invite-only giftbag garbage. Just popcorn and Pepsi. (Sadly Mann's doesn't do Coke) So, if you like a little flesh and blood for dinner, be sure to book tickets soon, as they're bound to go quickly. Then head on over to Graumann's at 9pm on Thursday 16 October.

I'll be the one crouching in the back with the baseball cap pulled low...

(By the way, if you really want to milk the train experience, you could always catch the subway to Hollywood and Highland - and Graumann's mere steps away)