World News Headlines (ish)

There's been a break since my last post and, being short of my own news, here are my choice pickings of others' misfortune from the past week........


From a recent casting breakdown

Mila - Lead / FEMALE / 5 TO 7
Helpful Skills - Must be able to do a speak impediment.
Mila (lead) - Long, blond hair, and big, expressive eyes

You gotta watch out for those speak impediments, folks!

HOLMES' UNCLE BLASTS CRUISE ROMANCE.

KATIE HOLMES' uncle insists her family are far from happy with their daughter's new romance, and even less thrilled about her involvement in Cruise's chosen Scientology religion.

And FRITZ even went so far as to bad mouth his niece's new love to a family friend, according to this week's (ends24JUN05) NATIONAL ENQUIRER magazine - while Holmes is away promoting her new movie BATMAN BEGINS.

A pal, MIKE SITTER, who is a fellow parishioner at the Holmes family's Toledo, Ohio church, says, "Katie's uncle Fritz said he reckons it (relationship) will only last a couple of months because of the age gap. "He approached me and said, 'So what do you make of this Tom and Katie business? I think Tom seems like a real jerk. I give it 60 days.'" .

It's good to know I'm not the only one...

And my favourite for the week, c/o Webindia123.com:

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is happy that the Los Angeles Police are trying to provide extra security to her, as she is terrified each time a photographer tries to capture her image in her intimate surroundings.
The actress has admitted that she feels sacred at thought of photographers lurking around her house when she returns home after work.

Lord knows I feel a little sacred too, when I see a camera...

Ice Ice, Baby

Last night I stepped into yesterday and the weather was fine. Part of the audience of "Hit me baby one more time", I got to watch pop stars The Knack, Tommy Tutone, Haddaway and Vanilla Ice LIVE! Ah, the joy... Each group had the opportunity to do their biggest hit and then perform a cover version of a current song. How they've aged, but then who wouldn't have, some 15 to 20 years later? It's been a guilty secret of mine, the fact that I know the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby. What can I tell you? I was white, young and stupid. Now I'm just white and stupid. But have to say that Vanilla, or Rip van Winkle (his real name, apparently) was fabulous, humble and funny. Predictably, the Ice Man won the bout and was thrilled (if a little unsurprised) to have cleaned the floor. Now before you laugh and point, I didn't pay for the event, okay? Yes, I queued to get in, but NO I didn't pay. Let's just leave it there.

Who is Yuri?

As I crossed the street yesterday, I heard a man shout out "hey, Yuri!". At least that's what it sounded like. I spun around to see a bald man in his car, waving and giving me an enthusiastic thumbs-up. Looking around, it was clear that he was, indeed, addressing me. Just why, was not so clear. I am not now, nor have I ever been, called Yuri. Nor have I ever played the role of Yuri. (That goes for both professional and private-in-the-comfort-of-my-own-home performances) Nevertheless, a strange man was excited to see who he thought was Yuri. Really excited. All this prompts a few questions: Who is the real Yuri? Why does he wear my clothes? And what was he doing with "Thumbs-Up" Baldy? Only time will tell...

Taking a moment

Memorial Day weekend was memorable. I ate. I drank. I watched a cartoon on TV which showed how awful the British were. Then I ate and drank some more. Later on, the persistant drone of 3 news helicopters forced me outside, where I joined an inquisitive mob searching for today's local news. We didn't find it. But I did enjoy the circling LAPD chopper, all shiny and grey and menacing. On the news tonight I watched a woman being "tazered" by a policeman. Twice. She had refused to get out of her car. The burly cop (whose partner was steps away) decided she posed a threat and proceeded to "zap" her with 50,000 volts for 2 minutes. An appropriate response? Doubtful. The following news item saw a chuckling George W Bush dismissing Amnesty International's criticism of prisoners' treatment at Guantanamo Bay as ludicrous. Since when are accusations of torture funny? When is laughter an appropriate resonse to a charge so serious in nature? Anyone who behaves that way is one of two things: guilty or insane. He went on to promise that as soon as the Iraqis could defend themselves, the US would withdraw. Well, the war has cost $173 billion so far. Since "mission accomplished", 1527 Americans have died. When is it time for an appropriate response? When is it time to start defending your own?

The Sleep Eye Monster

I have a confession: I am a sleep eye monster. I sleep a lot. Nearly every night I get the requisite 8 hours of slumber. And yet I yearn for more. I love sleep. I love it a lot. If I could find a way to be productive and make money from the land of nod, you can be sure I'd investigate it thoroughly. Even now, I am in my first week of lucid sleep studies. No, I haven't had a lucid dream yet. To be honest, I've only recalled 3 dreams in the past 8 weeks. But one day soon, I'll be able to harness the genius of my subconscious and discover the secrets to financial and personal success. Or at least how to drive up a hill AND have the aircon on. (It's an old car...)

But my relish of sleep doesn't make me a monster. No. What scares the neighbour's little kids is the sleep that remains. In my eyes. (Sensitive readers would do well to close their browsers now) My body generates enough sleep each day to gather together and fashion into a golden candle. (Yes, that's gross. No, I haven't tried it) In fact, Hollywood made a movie recently based on my apartment. It's called House of Wax. (Well what do you expect from a brain that's quietly melting - with the wax - in 100 degrees' heat?) I shall return when my core temperature drops.

The Horror

Following on from my recent Russian pimp audition, it seems only fair to fill you in (whoever you are - cos I haven't a clue, but thanks for tuning in) on my latest. I had a call with the joyful news - "you have an audition". But not any audition, it turns out. Here follows the conversation:

"You have an audition"
"Great!"
"It's this Saturday"
"u-huh"
"It's a low budget horror film, so it's not paying much"
"okay.."
"You'll be reading for the role of the zombie"
(BEAT)
"yeah...?"
"For the audition they want you to tapdance - can you tapdance?"
"Uh-no. If I could, that'd be under my 'special skills'"
"Okay, well they want you to do a little tap dance ala Young Frankenstein"
"right..."
"Now there aren't any sides, so what they want after the dance is a zombie groan"
(GIDEON GROAN)
"I really don't think this project interests me, thanks"
"But it's a substantial role"
"Yes, but I'm a zombie, I don't have a any lines, I'll be in thick make-up and no-one will even see me"
"Well, if you're certain... I'll tell them you're unavailable"

Oh- and apparently I did get the pimp gig, although there are no dates yet. Sure beats working in an office, huh?

Phil Collins' Friend

Saw a very funny play with old drama school friend Heike Brunner this past weekend. She played a (psycho?)therapist counselling various troubled individuals. The highlight was the piece with the girlfriend plagued by Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight". Wherever she is, the song seems to find her, and her boyfriend (who's always there, too) has the unstoppable urge to tell the story of why Phil wrote it. Time and time again. On the couch, at parties, in the car. His eyes glaze over and he HAS to tell the story. Very, very funny. And yes- you had to be there. But you weren't, were you? We waited and waited. We even kept a seat. Ah well, maybe next time. It's just... it'd be nice if you called first - to say you're running late. Or jogging. Or ambling. Or sauntering. A casual stroll. A mindless wander. I should go now.